In assertive communication, you clearly state your thoughts, opinions and feelings without violating the rights of others. This communication style places value on the other person’s time, self, and spiritual, mental and physical needs.

• Verbal examples of assertive communication:
  • “I feel frustrated and talked over when I am interrupted. I need space to communicate my thoughts and feelings.”
  • “I feel hurt when I hear jokes about what I am wearing. I need respectful communication about my appearance.”
• Nonverbal examples of assertive communication:
  • direct, non-threatening eye contact
  • calm, clear tone of voice
  • relaxed body posture
  • express feelings clearly, appropriately and respectfully

Communication goes both ways. You and the other person or group have the right to feel and express your emotions. It is important to listen to hear, not to respond. When others talk, pay attention; avoid automatically dismissing or discounting their feelings. The other person is the expert about their own thoughts and feelings, just as you are with yours. Follow these steps to become a more active listener:

• Pay attention. Give the speaker your undivided attention and set aside distracting thoughts.
• Show that you are listening. Use non-verbal cues and body language such as occasional nods and eye contact to show that you’re listening.
• Provide feedback. Reflect on what the speaker said by paraphrasing and ask questions to clarify.
• Defer judgment. Allow the speaker to finish each thought before asking questions. Avoid interrupting or arguing..
• Respond appropriately. You are gaining information and perspective. Give your opinion while you treat the speaker with respect.

To communicate in a healthy way, it is important to:

• Say what you want and how you feel in a respectful way.
• When dealing with conflict, address the issue directly and as soon as possible.
• Focus on your own thoughts, feelings and experiences. This helps you express how you’re feeling instead of putting the focus on the behavior of others over which you have no control.
• Try using “I” statements and avoid using the word “you”. A general formula to follow is “I feel ______________ when ____________. I need ____________.” This allows you to express how you are feeling and what you need. How the other person responds is out of your control.

Boundaries are an important part of healthy communication. Limits and boundaries are about respect for yourself and for others. If you have a hard time saying “no,” often set aside your own needs to please others, or are bothered by someone else’s actions toward you, you have the right and the responsibility to speak up. You can set respectful boundaries in your life around your time, space, privacy, property, spirituality, feelings and conflict. Boundaries are learned over time and take practice to set and maintain. Use our “Setting and Maintaining Boundaries” handout to get started.

Conflict in relationships is normal. Conflicts arise anywhere people gather, in the classroom, at home, at work, and other activities. Conflict can be healthy if it encourages a shared understanding which leads to positive change. Unhealthy conflict however, can be an obstacle to any group who is trying to reach a goal. Unresolved conflict can damage your self-esteem or hinder your group or team’s ability to work together. Learning to resolve conflict in a healthy way is important. It is critical to:

• Separate the issue or the problem from the people involved.
• Respect and value all opinions (which does not mean you have to agree).
• Be willing to have a respectful discussion that explores different sides of an issue and that seeks a resolution.

Remember, conflict is often about the issue, not the person. Engaging in healthy conflict can help expand your views and increase your understanding of others.

1. Stop, think and evaluate your purpose.

• • Think about and plan how to discuss an issue.
  • Plan what you want to say to limit further misunderstanding.
  • Evaluate the purpose of the conflict or discussion. This can help clarify your goals and identify when it is time to step away or engage further.
  • It is not a productive discussion if your only hope is to change the other person’s opinion or “win” an argument.

2. Listen and respectfully communicate your needs.

• • Listen to hear, not to respond.
  • Use active listening skills to try to understand other points of view. People who feel their opinions have been heard are more likely to work toward a solution.
  • Try using “I feel” statements to share your feelings without placing blame.
  • Use the “Healthy Communication Prompts” handout for ideas on how to start a conversation or how to communicate effectively.

3. Be aware of your own defense mechanisms and assumptions.

• • Few conflicts have an absolute right or wrong answer. Understanding all sides of a conflict may start a conversation instead of further increasing the conflict.
  • Be aware of your own defenses and assumptions.
  • Share your frame of reference and assumptions with others and ask them to do the same.

4. Seek common ground and ask clarifying questions.

• • Find areas where both sides agree. Try not to focus only on areas of disagreement.
  • Seek common ground to bring down defenses and increase the chances of a shared solution. Clarify and define the real issue which may be buried under misunderstanding and emotion.